Last night ended up being an epic night. First I get home late and had forgotten to eat dinner earlier, so I ate some macaroni. I proceeded to have the choking experience of a lifetime. I saved my own life though, by providing myself the Heimlich maneuver. And out comes flying the macaroni.
And then, I was up late writing a paper. Yes, the night before it's due. No, my professor does not read this blog. I hope.
I moved around. I sat at my desk. Got distracted. So, I sat on the floor to watch figure skating and write. Of course, getting as distracted as a girl can get. Then I moved to my bed. Yes, I moved to my bed to make me concentrate on my paper. Yes, at 11:45 at night. No, I don't really make sense to me either. So, around 1:00 in the morning, I get up to get ready for bed. And I discover that I have the world's biggest wedgie. I honestly am not quite sure how I managed to not have to go to the emergency room to have it extracted.
And of course, waking up at 5:00 means I'm rather tired. So I stop by Starbs on my way in to work and take my first sip of the coffee based drink I had purchased.
I was transported to Big O Heaven. Yes, one slurp of coffee did it for me. The big "it". Yes, I'm assuming you're probably thinking I don't get out much.
And you'd be right.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Lent
Aaahhh, it is that time of year again. What do I give up and then promptly fail miserably at giving up?
Swearing? Been there, done that, failed within 20 minutes (and that's being lenient).
Chocolate? Just don't eat it enough anymore.
Booze? Wait... what's booze?
A bad habit of late is sleeping too much during the day. Yes ladies and gents, I am 25 and I am a perpetual napper.
So I had decided to give up napping - as of yesterday. Then I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, was super tired already, and decided that wasn't the hottest idea I'd ever had, so I figured out something else.
And then I napped today. And had the nuttiest dream I've ever had. Can we say... disturbing?
I decided that maybe it was a sign. I am to go back to the giving up of napping and figure I have a free pass on today as such.
Gggggrrrr, time to become an adult. How depressing.
Swearing? Been there, done that, failed within 20 minutes (and that's being lenient).
Chocolate? Just don't eat it enough anymore.
Booze? Wait... what's booze?
A bad habit of late is sleeping too much during the day. Yes ladies and gents, I am 25 and I am a perpetual napper.
So I had decided to give up napping - as of yesterday. Then I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, was super tired already, and decided that wasn't the hottest idea I'd ever had, so I figured out something else.
And then I napped today. And had the nuttiest dream I've ever had. Can we say... disturbing?
I decided that maybe it was a sign. I am to go back to the giving up of napping and figure I have a free pass on today as such.
Gggggrrrr, time to become an adult. How depressing.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
There's the man's version, that I was given. And then there's the woman's take on the man's version.
World's Shortest Fairy Tale -- Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. -- The end.
World's Shortest Load of Shit -- Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' Her reason for such an emphatic answer was for his lack of grammar, hick attitudes, and horrible athleticism. The guy lived in a drunken state of beer and scotch with NO money in the bank because of his gambling addiction, drinking problem, and penchant for prostitutes. -- The End.
World's Shortest Fairy Tale -- Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. -- The end.
World's Shortest Load of Shit -- Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' Her reason for such an emphatic answer was for his lack of grammar, hick attitudes, and horrible athleticism. The guy lived in a drunken state of beer and scotch with NO money in the bank because of his gambling addiction, drinking problem, and penchant for prostitutes. -- The End.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Costo
I went to Costco today! And didn't buy a darn thing! Gosh... I'm proud of myself.
I went with a friend of mine I don't see all that often, so it was just time to chill out and catch up (even though we talk more than I particularly want to admit.) We get in the door when he realizes he's left his mother's list in the car. So I take the cart and head straight for books. Are we surprised??? And tell him to meet me there. He gets back and asks me if I've found anything I liked. Um... it's me... and books... duh?
So we get back to the house and he does some work, as do I (from memory! go me!) and then he has me chatting with a co-worker, because he'd joked about having a hot California girl in his home. So I'm chatting away (who can't I talk to?) when the guy tells his dad, "Yah, Morgan's talking to (co-worker name)." Dad's response? "Oh shit, you're going to get fired."
Essentially, my rep has not only hit the mother of this family, but the father as well. I'm pretty sure there are filthy lies being spread about me to gain me this type of rep :P. I'm getting the feeling I'm going to have to start my version of back-talking.
And that, ladies and gents, was my illustrious Valentine's day.
I hope your day was fabulous and filled with whatever you were hoping for. I am personally of my father's opinion of this day - hallmark holiday that See's candy has cashed in on.
On that note, off to do some lovin' on my salad.
I went with a friend of mine I don't see all that often, so it was just time to chill out and catch up (even though we talk more than I particularly want to admit.) We get in the door when he realizes he's left his mother's list in the car. So I take the cart and head straight for books. Are we surprised??? And tell him to meet me there. He gets back and asks me if I've found anything I liked. Um... it's me... and books... duh?
So we get back to the house and he does some work, as do I (from memory! go me!) and then he has me chatting with a co-worker, because he'd joked about having a hot California girl in his home. So I'm chatting away (who can't I talk to?) when the guy tells his dad, "Yah, Morgan's talking to (co-worker name)." Dad's response? "Oh shit, you're going to get fired."
Essentially, my rep has not only hit the mother of this family, but the father as well. I'm pretty sure there are filthy lies being spread about me to gain me this type of rep :P. I'm getting the feeling I'm going to have to start my version of back-talking.
And that, ladies and gents, was my illustrious Valentine's day.
I hope your day was fabulous and filled with whatever you were hoping for. I am personally of my father's opinion of this day - hallmark holiday that See's candy has cashed in on.
On that note, off to do some lovin' on my salad.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Midget in the Snow!
Yes, two blogs in one day. Count yourselves amongst the lucky and the loved. No, really.
I'm not a total dingbat. I did not drive this morning. Instead, I took a two hour trip on metro to get to work. Yes, an hour turned into two. Can we say - ridiculous?
And that doesn't count me having to walk... yes, walk... a half mile. Seemingly simple, yes? No.
Bethesda doesn't understand that people not only need to walk on their sidewalks, but cross the street as well. My first obstacle came when I had to cross a rather large street to get to coffee. There was a small break on my side, a tiny walk-thru in the middle and then... slush on the other side. I started off well, got my heiny nice and wet in the middle (cause it didn't quite fit...) and my boots and pants soaked on the other side. This was all thrilling to say the least.
Obstacle two consists of me having to walk down a thin strip opened up on the sidewalk... a strip of ice, but an open strip none-the-less. When I realized, either I go or the person at the other end goes, too bad we had both committed to going before realizing this small problem. Was he a gentleman and step aside into the snow? NOPE. What is wrong with people these days? So who went into the knee high snow? That's right. Yours truly.
And then... obstacle three. I gear up to cross a small side street when I notice... the snow mound is as tall as my waist! With no pass through spot! So I hoof it a bit up the street (and I mean, up), but it's not so much hoofting as skating as it was pure ice all the way up. I cross and walk back down, except... there's still no spot to cross through to get to the sidewalk! The snow is up to my thighs, yes, shorty me. Lo and behold, I spy footprints through the snow. So off I go. Into footprint one.
And literally having to a leg lift as high as I've ever done to get my other foot into the next print and on and on. One foot after the other, having to do leg lifts like nobody's business. I bet I looked realllll lovely, concentrating, probably sticking my tongue out while doing so, trying to get one leg out of the snow and back into the snow in front of me. I made progress... just verrrrrrry slowly.
So, essentially, vertically challenged me got buried in the snow.
Thrilling I tell you, thrilling.
I'm not a total dingbat. I did not drive this morning. Instead, I took a two hour trip on metro to get to work. Yes, an hour turned into two. Can we say - ridiculous?
And that doesn't count me having to walk... yes, walk... a half mile. Seemingly simple, yes? No.
Bethesda doesn't understand that people not only need to walk on their sidewalks, but cross the street as well. My first obstacle came when I had to cross a rather large street to get to coffee. There was a small break on my side, a tiny walk-thru in the middle and then... slush on the other side. I started off well, got my heiny nice and wet in the middle (cause it didn't quite fit...) and my boots and pants soaked on the other side. This was all thrilling to say the least.
Obstacle two consists of me having to walk down a thin strip opened up on the sidewalk... a strip of ice, but an open strip none-the-less. When I realized, either I go or the person at the other end goes, too bad we had both committed to going before realizing this small problem. Was he a gentleman and step aside into the snow? NOPE. What is wrong with people these days? So who went into the knee high snow? That's right. Yours truly.
And then... obstacle three. I gear up to cross a small side street when I notice... the snow mound is as tall as my waist! With no pass through spot! So I hoof it a bit up the street (and I mean, up), but it's not so much hoofting as skating as it was pure ice all the way up. I cross and walk back down, except... there's still no spot to cross through to get to the sidewalk! The snow is up to my thighs, yes, shorty me. Lo and behold, I spy footprints through the snow. So off I go. Into footprint one.
And literally having to a leg lift as high as I've ever done to get my other foot into the next print and on and on. One foot after the other, having to do leg lifts like nobody's business. I bet I looked realllll lovely, concentrating, probably sticking my tongue out while doing so, trying to get one leg out of the snow and back into the snow in front of me. I made progress... just verrrrrrry slowly.
So, essentially, vertically challenged me got buried in the snow.
Thrilling I tell you, thrilling.
Fancy Pants
Only because this made me die laughing...
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who
ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still ingreat shape since being a high school football cheerleader43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was round... This is going to be a FANTASTICweek!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the h e l l would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. He said some other s&*t too.
THURSDAY:
A$$hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b!^@h to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ba$^@#d Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps... I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the d a m n barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich.. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my
planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who
ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still ingreat shape since being a high school football cheerleader43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was round... This is going to be a FANTASTICweek!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the h e l l would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. He said some other s&*t too.
THURSDAY:
A$$hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b!^@h to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ba$^@#d Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps... I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the d a m n barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich.. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my
planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Squirrel
Today, I braved the wild outdoors to go to work and make a few bucks. And I kid you not when I say, a few bucks.
I then braved the wild outdoors to walk what seemed like a million miles to a friend's house. With un-shoveled sidewalks and carrying two not-lightweight bags, what would normally take a little less than a half-hour took a full hour.
To get there and be belittled. I kid you not. I suppose I ought to preface this with the fact that this particular friend calls me Midget, or Midgerita. (Makes me want a margarita... maybe three or four on this cold, snowy night)
He goes to the window (yes, "he", dad, don't flip, noooo hanky panky!) and calls me over. I HAVE to see this squirrel that's doing some squirrel dance on the fence.
I look and look and look and not only do I not see a squirrel doing a booty dance, I don't see a squirrel PERIOD. "It's right there! How do you not see the damn squirrel???"
So I'm standing there thinking this man is a total nut, when he looks down at me. And by down, I mean not that far down. When it dawns on him.
I'm too short to see the damn squirrel on the fence over the mound of snow blocking my way.
To which I then proceeded to get laughed at, while I jump up and down trying to see the squirrel doing his booty dance. To which the squirrel then stops and runs away, denying me my chance to see an animal doing the booty dance.
Now, I'm personally of the opinion that I'm owed a booty dance. Anybody else of the opinion that I should make him show me one???
(And yes, I'll post it on youtube after, just for y'all and your viewing pleasure.)
I then braved the wild outdoors to walk what seemed like a million miles to a friend's house. With un-shoveled sidewalks and carrying two not-lightweight bags, what would normally take a little less than a half-hour took a full hour.
To get there and be belittled. I kid you not. I suppose I ought to preface this with the fact that this particular friend calls me Midget, or Midgerita. (Makes me want a margarita... maybe three or four on this cold, snowy night)
He goes to the window (yes, "he", dad, don't flip, noooo hanky panky!) and calls me over. I HAVE to see this squirrel that's doing some squirrel dance on the fence.
I look and look and look and not only do I not see a squirrel doing a booty dance, I don't see a squirrel PERIOD. "It's right there! How do you not see the damn squirrel???"
So I'm standing there thinking this man is a total nut, when he looks down at me. And by down, I mean not that far down. When it dawns on him.
I'm too short to see the damn squirrel on the fence over the mound of snow blocking my way.
To which I then proceeded to get laughed at, while I jump up and down trying to see the squirrel doing his booty dance. To which the squirrel then stops and runs away, denying me my chance to see an animal doing the booty dance.
Now, I'm personally of the opinion that I'm owed a booty dance. Anybody else of the opinion that I should make him show me one???
(And yes, I'll post it on youtube after, just for y'all and your viewing pleasure.)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Steak and BJ Day
I was at a bar on Wednesday night. Yes, a work night. Yes, after class. Yes, I am a delinquent.
While at the bar, I spoke with some young men. Yes, huge surprise, that I, Morgan Ashley, would speak to anybody.
Why did we speak? Because the term "Steak and BJ Day" was overheard and it was necessary to find out exactly what this is.
So what is this you ask? Well, you can go to the web site (I kid you not, web site, replete with sexy ads for hooking up): http://www.steakandbjday.com/ or you can read on...
Steak and BJ Day falls on March 14th every year as the response to Val Day. As the young man explained it, women get flowers and a nice dinner, men get steak and a bj.
I inquired how this was fair, as if I'm to dish out the goods, I'd expect them done first.
After staring at me with open mouths for a few seconds (you must remember, people are not used to a cute lil gal who's got a mouth like a sailor), they sputtered that gals get flowers and dinner, that's how it goes.
I no longer wondered why these poor gentlemen were single. Worse, all three are somehow in the law profession, did they miss the class on quid pro quo? Reciprocation? Do unto others as you want done unto you?
So, laddies, should you want your Steak and BJ Day to be a thrilling ride, remember to make Val Day a thrilling ride for your lass.
And ladies, don't hesitate to undercook the steak and feign that time of the month if he doesn't owe up.
While at the bar, I spoke with some young men. Yes, huge surprise, that I, Morgan Ashley, would speak to anybody.
Why did we speak? Because the term "Steak and BJ Day" was overheard and it was necessary to find out exactly what this is.
So what is this you ask? Well, you can go to the web site (I kid you not, web site, replete with sexy ads for hooking up): http://www.steakandbjday.com/ or you can read on...
Steak and BJ Day falls on March 14th every year as the response to Val Day. As the young man explained it, women get flowers and a nice dinner, men get steak and a bj.
I inquired how this was fair, as if I'm to dish out the goods, I'd expect them done first.
After staring at me with open mouths for a few seconds (you must remember, people are not used to a cute lil gal who's got a mouth like a sailor), they sputtered that gals get flowers and dinner, that's how it goes.
I no longer wondered why these poor gentlemen were single. Worse, all three are somehow in the law profession, did they miss the class on quid pro quo? Reciprocation? Do unto others as you want done unto you?
So, laddies, should you want your Steak and BJ Day to be a thrilling ride, remember to make Val Day a thrilling ride for your lass.
And ladies, don't hesitate to undercook the steak and feign that time of the month if he doesn't owe up.
Snowpacalypse
We got a ton of snow this weekend. And I mean... a TON! I went out in the DC version of a blizzard just to take some pics for the whole lot of you. God, I am such a nice person. Whatever am I going to do with all this niceness???
So I only took two pictures on my foray out on Saturday night, cause hey now, I wanted back into my warm apartment.
(Still falling! It didn't stop until about 11pm after starting at 10am the day before)
(Snowed in cars!)
(The National Cathedral the morning after)
(Overlooking the houses the other direction)
So I only took two pictures on my foray out on Saturday night, cause hey now, I wanted back into my warm apartment.
(To give you an idea of how deep it already was when I went out)
(Snowed in cars!)
(The National Cathedral the morning after)
(Overlooking the houses the other direction)
(Looking down from 21 floors up)
(Made it outside! I had to climb through one of those made snowbanks last night after coming back in cause they plowed right before I headed back. It was certainly a... har har... trip)
(Random fountain down the block)
(I love to travel with a few feet of snow on top of my car. How about you???)
And last, but not least, my favorite picture that makes me giggle.
Just seeing those little wipers poking out of the snow gives me such a thrill.
Well, that's all for me folks. Enjoy the DC Blizzard pics and I'll catch you next time.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hyphens
My story today involves a veritable math geek. We were discussing last names and he has more names than I do if you count the fact he's a "the second". I asked if his last names were hyphenated. He responds in the affirmative. Then tells me,
"it's hypen"
Um, excuse you? Did you, Mr. Statistics/Math/Science/CPA/Auditor Geek just try to tell me how to spell? Me? An English major from the #1 English Department in the country? Not only that, but let's turn words into math. We'll go back to our young'un years for this one.
The word is pronounced: hi-fen. Well, we know that in this circumstance the hi section is hy due to the fact that... well... we just know. But that's not the part screwed up, so we'll move on. We also know by virtue of the fact we're old enough that the second part of the word is not "fen" as it is just never that easy. So what else makes the f-sound?
P+H=F-sound
It's math! It's math! Just with letters! It's algebra! Should I make a theorem about this and turn it into geometry?
Upshot is folks, sound out the word. Then correct the writing geek.
It's not hypen. It's hyphen.
And that's your word lesson for the day. Go use it in a sentence.
"it's hypen"
Um, excuse you? Did you, Mr. Statistics/Math/Science/CPA/Auditor Geek just try to tell me how to spell? Me? An English major from the #1 English Department in the country? Not only that, but let's turn words into math. We'll go back to our young'un years for this one.
The word is pronounced: hi-fen. Well, we know that in this circumstance the hi section is hy due to the fact that... well... we just know. But that's not the part screwed up, so we'll move on. We also know by virtue of the fact we're old enough that the second part of the word is not "fen" as it is just never that easy. So what else makes the f-sound?
P+H=F-sound
It's math! It's math! Just with letters! It's algebra! Should I make a theorem about this and turn it into geometry?
Upshot is folks, sound out the word. Then correct the writing geek.
It's not hypen. It's hyphen.
And that's your word lesson for the day. Go use it in a sentence.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Hilarious Church Bulletins
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice ..
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice ..
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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