We All Make Mistakes Sometimes

Even the fabulous, illustrious fabulousness that is me.

A friend of mine showed me a picture.  It was all folded up so I had to unfold it and it ended up vertical.

I was thoroughly amused by this, thinking wow, somebody can really gas it up if they lift themselves off a chair or seated position.

Yyyaaahhh, apparently this little sign was not meant to be vertical, but rather, horizontal.

AAAAHHHH!!!!  I SEE IT NOW!  Dead serious, had NO idea that this was the way it was to go.  But bending over does seem a whole lot easier than trying to lift yourself off a chair...

I then find out this little, teensy, tiny mistake was mentioned to someone else, who expressed surprise as I apparently have toilet humor... meant in the nicest way possible of course.

Me?  Toilet humor?  NEVER.

And a lovely bombshell to end out this blog...

Did you know that the ancient Romans used pigeon poop to bleach their hair?

(Folks, please don't try this at home.  If you do, let me know, so I don't come visit you)

Up in the Grill with a Dash of Snarky

Story one made me cry laughing today.  It's probably not as funny to you, because, hey now, you weren't lucky enough to be there.  But I shall try.  Story two is a small reminder of the lovely snarky tongue that I possess.

*Story One*
I was hanging with one of my best gal pals who was telling me alllll about a workout experience she had the other night.  She had bought a pair of workout pants that are generally going to be a mite bit small on her, but , woohoo, they fit!  So she wears them to this dance class, thinking, they make my legs look hot and it'll inspire me to work even harder!  Only to have her pants "get up in (her) grill the entire time."  In layman's terms, her pants rode up her butt and into her crotch the entire night.  Let me tell you folks, that is seriously every kind of uncomfortable.  Stick a branch up your nose, hair in a blender, suppository up your ass, any of that is more comfortable than a tight ass pair of pants up your grill when working out.  Suffice it to say, I died laughing at her. I died laughing even harder when she told me I was the first person she thought of to tell.  Which of course means that I'm sharing with all of you.

*Story Two*
I hear about a young man who is about to get himself into serious trouble with his current girlfriend, courtesy of my current lovebug.  In the process, I hear about one of his more... shall we say... annoying to me exes.  Yah, I know what all you ladies are thinking, who the fuck wants to hear about one of the more annoying exes?  So I responded the only way I know how.  With my beloved snarky tongue.
"That you fell for her in the first place confirms my answer that you're all flaming fucking idiots who can't see past an easy lay and a happy dick."
Ladies and gentlemen, I always win.  Even when I'm wrong (which I most certainly was not tonight), I win.

My ego and vanity are legion.  My smartass, beautiful tongue is priceless.

You want a shot at me?  Get in line.

On that note, dinner is calling my name.

Run for Your Life!

I was talking to the first guy I ever met while doing the actual online dating thing.  We NEVER dated, became fast friends and still are.  For those of you who don't know Mikey, let me remind you of exactly who he is.  One afternoon he was over at the house, chatting with myself and my mom, while I was looking something up on the computer - I being me had a background of me on it.  Mikey cracks a joke about me just wanting to look at my girls, with mom responding... On that note, don't you think my daughter needs a breast reduction?  I've never seen that boy speechless.

So!  We were chatting last night as he was curious how to tell if you have an allergic reaction (apparently I look like a doctor now???) and he asked about graduation... finding out the boy met the family and two of the besties.  There may or may not be a pic on facebook where I noted that the boy looks like he has a pornstache.

Mikey: Did the pornstached boytoy run away screaming?

Me: Nooooooo.  He stayed.

Mikey: Why?  Did you have a leash on him?  Or just a gps tracker?  Maybe a self-destruct bomb in his skull if he runs?

Me: Well, somebody's inventive!

And there you have it ladies and gents, nobody can stay with me unless I have them under lock and key.

Actually... this really isn't a bad idea...

MAPTON Feminine Care Products

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!  Actually, I'm not.  I'm procrastinating like a badass and just HAD to share about a lil conversation that had Christine and I IN TEARS.  We're still laughing ten minutes later.  It's probably one of those situations where it's only funny when you're there, but I'm telling you about it anyways!

For my final paper, I'm creating an advertisement.  I've decided to make it an advertisement for tampons due to a variety of reasons, not the least of which, it's funny.

I scrambled the letters "t-a-m-p-o-n" to create MAPTON.  So, my pseudo company name is MAPTON Feminine Care Products.  Now... I need a slogan.

But first, what is my advertisement going to portray?  Well, since the paper is on groups that get less than a fair shake in ads (read, anything other than skinny and white), I first decided I need a body in a wheelchair.  Since most people assume that a body in a wheelchair must mean an ad about the special olympics, it was time to show that same body in a different circumstance.

So circumstance one is a few girls playing basketball or something with the slogan reading...
"MAP your way to healthy living without a TON of blood"
But... I don't know about y'all... that's kinda gross.

Then I thought, well, nobody expects a person in a wheelchair at the clubs, so what about that???
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... is not going to happen if you're not prepared with MAPTON Feminine Care Products."
Well... first of all, copywrite issues.  Second of all, just nowhere near as funny.  Even if it's not as gross.

So... circumstance three it is.  A wedding!  With inspiration from an episode of Say Yes to the Dress, who showed an episode of a gal in a wheelchair with a specially designed dress for her wheels.  No, there was no mention of blood.
"Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue...  Not red.  Use MAPTON Feminine Care Products to save your special day"

And third time is a charm!!!  Circumstance three is being used.  I.e. slogan #3 was behind the curtain.

Now, let's just hope my professor finds that as hilarious as we do...

Anybody else have any other brilliant ideas???