Honorable Life

Today is clearly a day for reflection. We have many days that we are supposed to do this, based on various bad happenings that have happened in this country. In some ways this is different, in others, not so much.

I turned on my tv this morning after grabbing coffee and newspapers. I wanted to see today's headlines and stories. The stories that ultimately broke my heart were the ones of the children who were old enough to remember their fallen parents. Well, I suppose they're not so young now, but my heart broke for them none the less. The son who's father wouldn't live to teach him baseball. The daughter who's mother didn't live to celebrate her wedding. The children who are no longer children are having children now, many without the blessing presence and experience of their parents.

I can't imagine being a teacher of a child who has lived through tragedy. I can imagine teaching a drugged up child though, so I'm not sure what any of that says about me. Irrespective, I was accused about a month ago of drifting, of not knowing where I am going or how I will get there.

I believe once this could absolutely be true of me. I do have one worthless Masters under my belt after all. But now? I don't believe it. Because today reminded what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

When I was in the fifth grade, I was quite depressed. Ever since then I wanted to help others, so their lives could be fulfilled. This want has taken many different forms for my future, transferring from wanting to be a shrink, to wanting to be a drug counselor, to now becoming a teacher. This has been where my strange and circuitous path has been leading all my life.

Will I always be a teacher? Maybe not. Probably not, knowing my penchant four loving to learn new things. But I will always be helping people and hopefully I find a partner who supports this drive to learn use what skills I do have for others. I haven't done enough of that since I moved here, always placing it on the back burner. No wonder I'm so often dissatisfied. I was raised to give back, using my hands and feet. Or in high school, my ears. Feel free - take a moment to laugh. I do.

The other thing that struck me today were the brave voices of the survivors who are living without their life partners. Some have remarried, others have not. But in each circumstance, a life of love was talked about. Ok, granted, who's going to speak ill of the dead? But still! I want that too. A partner who I am with for 30 plus years, who wants to live life's joys and sorrows with me. It was a cruel twist of fate to realize I'd dreamed of having that with someone to finally realize he had never felt the same. But today helped because I deserve that life. I deserve the partner, the service, the roller coaster. I deserve a rich and full life with people who want to spend it with me.

All of this thought happened as I was returning items. I walked down the street contemplating my life that is anything but drifting and I tripped.

I then thought, "I also deserve to learn to pick up my feet when I walk."