Up in the Grill with a Dash of Snarky

Story one made me cry laughing today.  It's probably not as funny to you, because, hey now, you weren't lucky enough to be there.  But I shall try.  Story two is a small reminder of the lovely snarky tongue that I possess.

*Story One*
I was hanging with one of my best gal pals who was telling me alllll about a workout experience she had the other night.  She had bought a pair of workout pants that are generally going to be a mite bit small on her, but , woohoo, they fit!  So she wears them to this dance class, thinking, they make my legs look hot and it'll inspire me to work even harder!  Only to have her pants "get up in (her) grill the entire time."  In layman's terms, her pants rode up her butt and into her crotch the entire night.  Let me tell you folks, that is seriously every kind of uncomfortable.  Stick a branch up your nose, hair in a blender, suppository up your ass, any of that is more comfortable than a tight ass pair of pants up your grill when working out.  Suffice it to say, I died laughing at her. I died laughing even harder when she told me I was the first person she thought of to tell.  Which of course means that I'm sharing with all of you.

*Story Two*
I hear about a young man who is about to get himself into serious trouble with his current girlfriend, courtesy of my current lovebug.  In the process, I hear about one of his more... shall we say... annoying to me exes.  Yah, I know what all you ladies are thinking, who the fuck wants to hear about one of the more annoying exes?  So I responded the only way I know how.  With my beloved snarky tongue.
"That you fell for her in the first place confirms my answer that you're all flaming fucking idiots who can't see past an easy lay and a happy dick."
Ladies and gentlemen, I always win.  Even when I'm wrong (which I most certainly was not tonight), I win.

My ego and vanity are legion.  My smartass, beautiful tongue is priceless.

You want a shot at me?  Get in line.

On that note, dinner is calling my name.