Teaching? Math?

Update: I'm now an 8th grade teacher at a public school.

What do I teach?  English.

Question from a Student: Ms. H... What's the word for a 3-D oval?

Me: Huh?

Student:  You know, like a circle is a sphere?  Well, what's an oval?

Me: You do realize... you're asking an English teacher this question?

Students:  *Looks at me*  Well, yes, I mean, but, you know, you're smart...

Me:  In English...  I haven't been in a shapes related math class in more than ten years...

Oh yeah.  This is gonna be a good year...

Love?

Jason Mraz has a new album out. It's called "Love is a Four Letter Word". Well, so is "fuck". What's your point, Jason, what's your point?

Just for J

A friend of mine called to wish me happy travels and to shoot the shit for a few minutes (then rub it in he's getting a massage... Made even worse by my recent massage of masseuse on crack). He tells me about his lunch. Three LARGE beef enchiladas and a load of beans. I have never been so happy somebody is not on a plane with me. (And yes, this is a test to see of he still reads my recently not really updated blog...). Ha! I may or may not have more stories to tell about said person... I'll be nice and not write them... Yet... I bet y'all didn't know I had a talent for blackmail. I kid! I kid!

Moving?

I'm moving in June.  Admittedly, I can't wait.  It's the last tie I have that can finally be cut.  Until then, I have some serious packing to do (and am doing), so I can paint the walls I've painted.  Yes, I'll be doing this on my own... don't ask me what my painting talents are, because as of this point, who the hell knows.

As I'm packing up, I'm feeling oh so proud of myself.  Look at the boxes get stuffed and taped!  Look at some go into storage because I'm a big girl now and have a storage unit!  (Ok, mainly because I'm downsizing in apartment size and cost once I figure out where I'm going, but still!  Don't rain on my parade...)

And then... I look around.  Holy crap, there's a lot left.  Holy crap, I own a shit ton of stuff.  Holy crap, I'm a closet hoarder. 

Am I hoarder style (think the show) bad?  No.  Do I have an unhealthy connection to most of the shit I own?  I'm starting to think so...

Luckily, all I've put into storage so far are the unessential essentials (think random cords that do who knows what and books).  Because these next few days are going to be harrowing.  I'm going to have to learn to say good bye.  Some of this stuff simply needs to GO.  For instance, one suitcase I've owned for years.  My little purple carry on.  I honestly can't remember the last time I used it as one because I have a bigger, more user friendly one.  Why do I still have it?  Because I love it.  It's purple and cute and I've had it for years.

BUT I DON'T USE IT!

Apparently this generally doesn't matter to me and I should waste space storing it in my closet...

This is just one small, and admittedly kind of stupid, example of what I'm talking about here.  I haven't put my bed up for sale yet for two reasons, one is good and the other is not.  The good reason?  I have no freaking clue where I put the assembly instructions.  I know they are somewhere, I just need to look and find them.  Why haven't I really taken the time to look and find and sell?  Because I'm afraid to sell my bed.  I've had this bed for six or seven years.  No joke.  This bed has been through a whole lot with me (we won't discuss the mattress) and now I'm getting rid of it?!  I almost feel guilty...  I told you it was stupid.  But... time moves on and so do I.  No more bed for me! 

Now where are those stinking instructions???  Hhhmmm...

Top Gear

I'm watching Top Gear on netflix (whoo for the show being on instant watch or whatever it's called!) and loving it.  I was turned onto this show by Thou Who Shalt Not Be Named and while I rarely like to have memories of said person on hand, this show breaks that particular rule.

Tonight, I watched one of the "specials" where the guys traveled the length of Boliva/Chile.  Condoms, Tampax, and Viagra all made key appearances on this show.  Various words like penis and whatnot have showed up on other shows.

Does American television even ALLOW for such things?!  Aaaahhh.  To watch the un-prude-ish-ness of some things.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm in the totally wrong part of the world.

And not going to lie, Jeremy Clarkson's style... All I have to do is find a man dressed like that... Then, I shall be happy.  And if he can drive like that too... Yum yum!  And I really want his watches.  So you have your celebrity crush and I have mine... albeit it, a kinda weird one.  But... them's the way the wind blows.

Now... I just need to go find myself a prepster who knows how to drive... How difficult will this really be?  Ehh... I mean, it is just a man...

And I'm pretty sure I already know the answer.

Fucking difficult. 

P.s. the F-bomb is NOT allowed on television.  Because God forbid we ruin our childrens' ears with crappy language.  I mean, rude and offensive language.  Other words that may make this list are...

Fill in the blank here...

Better Life?

Whoever said yummy food can't feed the soul and make you feel better... bite me.

Whoever said shopping is a waste of time and can't make you feel better... can also bite me.

Just saying...

LAX

I walked into a wall. No joke.

Now I'm sitting here watching the delightful translate of American Airlines. There's a man in a full on business suit and wearing rainbow striped leg socks. Or the lady with perfectly coiffed hair,clearly professionally done, straight out of the 80's. Then there's a chick wearing ski pants on the bottom and a tank top up top. Um? Yes?

Oh! Lovely! A man just rearranged himself, hardcore style, while walking past. Now there's a talent for you. This is a show I'm dying to see again.

I'm really looking forward to this flight. There are always the strangest people heading into DC.

I guess I have no room to speak since I will be one of these said passengers...

Plane! In the Sky!

I'm in the air! Enjoying 30 free minutes of wifi courtesy of American and who knows who. Then I'll be on my phone with another email addy enjoying another 30 minutes. Bring it on, playing the system. Bet you never knew I was so gangster.

I'm sitting next to two people who have never met before and are now best friends. Did I mention they're toasted? I would type that in all caps if I weren't afraid they might actually be able to see through their blurry vision the word toasted on a blog. Oh. And the dude? Wearing sunglasses like he's hot shit.

If you live in Long Beach, which direction is the North Star?

Up.

Ha!

And of course, a classic. I decide to go to the restroom, for once in my life, and what happens? That's right. What invariably always happens when I actually go to the bathroom on the plane. Hardcore turbulence hit. *Sigh*

Did I mention I whopped my head good and proper trying to sit my ass in my seat with all of my shit? Which is the LEAST amount I've brought home for a weekend trip in YEARS? (Clearly I am no longer afraid of the caps). Dead serious. I actually have space in my carry on. WHOA. There's just something about empty space that makes me want to fill it.

On that note, Lo, I really hope you don't have going out plans for us. I'm about to say something shocking, so I hope y'all are sitting. I didn't bring a pair of heels with me.

GASP. Did hell freeze over?! Are pigs flying?!

Lo continues to be ridiculously excited I'm coming home. She broke many a heart and date just to spend Super Bowl with me. She even decided against inviting the entire west side to our shindig. She said it was because she just wants to spend time with me, but I wonder if it's because we have a very... Special... Read: weird... Relationship and there's just no need to submit people to the pressure of trying to understand it. There's trying to understand her - that's difficult. There's trying to understand me - that's even more difficult. Trying to understand us together??? Good luck on that one suckers.

Ok. Time to finish this up, so. Can go screw around some more on American's dime. Bring it!

Super Bowl

Lo seems to be ridiculously excited that I'm spending Super Bowl with her.  Not gonna lie, I'm ridiculously excited myself.  Let me break down a little convo for you - you may or may not understand why we're friends by the end of it...

Lo: Maybe we should make a couple of those "healthy snacks" for Super Bowl... to go with our El Som

(Notes: healthy snacks are generally only healthy if you have one bite of one... neither of us are known for one single bite of anything.  Second, El Som is a Mexican joint where you get fat just by looking at the building it's housed in)

Me: Awesome.  I can handle that!

Lo: And beer

Me: I need all of one.  You know how slow I drink.  LOL

Blah blah blah...

Lo: I'm so excited for El Som (with a weird happy face)

Me: ME TOO (with another weird happy face with hearts on it)

Lo: Maybe you make your guac so we have enough!

Me: And cheaper than el som's!

Lo: Totally, we're so smart sometimes

Me: Sometimes being the key word there... LOL

Lo:  Lol you caught that part

Me: Duh...

And this is why we are friends.  Bonding over El Som, being only sometimes smart, and being incapable of having only one bite of anything... rephrase, one bite of anything that's YUMMY.

Clearly, I'm not excited AT ALL about going home.

True Story

Gee, I wonder how many people should be reading this very thing... Whoo!  Regardless, true story.

Magnetic

So y'all know you're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of your fortunes when reading a fortune cookie, right?

My fortune last night: You have a magnetic personality.

Hehehehe...

Hey, Baby!

I may or may not have once upon a time told the story of going to the Howard "smoker" with the lil sis. Yesterday, I had a small experience that reminded me of this experience...

Recap: she and I were getting ready, when I put on my dress, and promptly inquired if my butt was too big. Her response was something to the effect of - it's a Black school, they love big asses, so they'll love you.

So yesterday, I'm walking out of Starbs and a man opens the door for me. He doesn't give two rat's rear end looking at my face or front, so I just stroll out. Then he gets a look at the butt and next thing I hear? "Heyyyyyy baby". And to think I was feeling so skinny and apparently the booty was large and in charge. Whoo!

Then there's the question of how I attract men who speak little English and have accents thick as can be. I don't get it. I can barely understand them or hear them! Yet, they flock... It just doesn't make sense to me!

Oh the life of me just continues to be oh so fun.

The C-Man

I have a little man in my life this week.  I get to help get him ready for school and take him to school every morning this week.

Lately, he's picked up some bad habits from the adults around him, and his young adult older brother.  We're all working on our bad habits, so we don't continue his.  Oh, I suppose I should mention he's four.

I was strapping him into his car seat, about to do the crotch buckles, when he says to me with his most angelic face, "Don't crunch my nuts".

Oh, having the control to smile and explain a more proper wording choice while wanting to die laughing is the true sign of an adult.

Or so I have to figure, because that was the funniest thing this week and I didn't know I possessed such control.

Beans!

Again, reminder, waiting for sleepytime meds to hit.  So if I crack out by the end of this... it is SO not my fault.

Preface to the story: I've been craving beans for about a week.  No, it has nothing to do with anything having to do with being female.  I just wanted beans.

So tonight.  I'm kinda sick.  I'm kinda cranky.  I kinda just want a hug.  Well, a hug was just kinda not happening, so I decided to get off my sick ass and go get my damn beans.

I ended up deciding to hit a drive-thru, Taco Bell specifically (Hi Lynn!), for a multitude of reasons: (1) It was raining and why would I want to get wet? (2) I didn't want a whole can, just some beans.  So off I go in the rain, in workout pants, a sweatshirt, nice flats, and no bra.  Yes, that's how sleazy I was tonight.

I get to the little order box and the lady asks if she may take my order.  I say, "yes please!".  And wait... apparently I was supposed to start ordering right away.

Lady: Ready whenever you are.

Me: Oh!  I'm sorry!  I'd like a side of beans please.

Lady: Beans with what?

Me: Just beans.

Lady: Beans?

Me: Yup.

Lady: Did you want... cheese on the... beans?

Me: Sure!

Lady: Is that all you want?

Me: Yup!

Lady:  Just beans?

Me: Just beans!

Lady: Are you sure?

Me: Oh ok, one more thing.

Lady: Yes?

Me: a diet pepsi please

Lady:  Uhhh, ok.  A side of... beans... with cheese... and a... diet pepsi.

Me: Thank you!

(My mother insists that because I flip people off while driving, I'm a Southern Hick Slut - I insist the southern part is my impeccable manners even when creeping people out)

I get to the window and the lady opens it.  I hand her my hard earned dough and she says, "Beans."  I just smile sweetly at her and say, "What can I say?  I just really wanted beans."  She just looked at me, laughed and said, "Coming right up!"

Then I called mom on the way home to regale her with this latest story.  I giggled my way through telling it.  I giggled, while on the phone, all the way home.  I giggled and laughed so hard at myself, I cried.

I then said to my mother, "You know mom, my life would be really boring and un-amusing if I weren't in it.  It's a good thing I'm around because I just haven't found anybody who amuses me as much as I amuse myself."

My mother: Morgan, I've been around for 63 whole years and I can tell you right now, I've never met anybody who amuses themselves and others like you do.  And yes, it's a good thing you have you, otherwise, there'd be no you.

(Ok, so I make dumbass comments sometimes.  Shhhh).

And to end this blog, I have a little song.  (This is dedicated to my mother who demanded I not end a blog with this particular topic because it would embarrass her...)

"Beans, beans, the magical fruit...
The more you eat, the more you toot...
The more you toot, the better you feel...
So eat your beans for every meal!"

(A picture of the beans!)

Truth

I'm poking through my tumblr as I'm waiting for the beautific drug known as "Tylenol PM" to kick in and I found this one photo and quote that just really made sense to me...  I'm feeling like playing a lil Jackson Browne "Running on Empty"...

Then I keep on trucking through my tumblr and oh ho.  Did the truth of the universe really hit me then...

Perfect match, huh?  Everybody who's found that, raise your hand!  Uh huh, that's what I thought.  Oh wait - there's one, in the way back corner!  I feel like that was harder than it should have been...

And now, something that has nothing to do with anything other than I thought Lo would love it.

Sunshine!

I really shouldn't be this mean and post this...

But I really just can't help myself...

If you also died laughing, you have explained why we are friends and why you are following me.

If you didn't die laughing, ask yourself where your happy, fun self has gone, then go find it, come back, and laugh then.

And you keep on hangin' in there sunshine!

Bad Habit

For this of you who have known me for longer than five minutes, you know I have one particularly bad habit.

I drink a lot of liquids wherever I'm at, don't go to the bathroom, and always get stuck with a long commute home.

Well, it's happened again. But, tonight, it's worse.

I'm sitting on train one of my two train commute (with a 20 minute wait between trains), when I read an advertisement. It's a Mickey D's ad and it says something the effect that it's so good, it'll make you pop. I totally thought it said, it's so good, it'll make you poop. Then I almost peed my pants trying so hard not to laugh out loud and make people look at me funny.

Welcome to my life.