Not My Usual Funny

Today has been one of "those" days, where the morning started crappy and the day just got progressively worse.

I've been feeling lonely lately and not much has been changed to make that otherwise.  So I struck out today, because that's easier than admitting to being lonely.

I then got called moody in the process.  Lauren, what would your response be to this?  I'm going to guess Lauren's response: no fucking shit, you just figured this out about her?!

So I was sitting on my porch after lots of brouhaha, thinking about what's next.  My life is pretty prime right now.  I'm figuring out summer plans, school's almost out (for the moment), and I'm training.  Honestly?  I haven't felt, overall, this good in a while.  I'm actually working to accomplish something.  I realized sitting there I don't give my brain quite enough credit, or the accomplishments in schooling that I have made.  It comes fairly easily to me and I don't give the successes enough credit.  But... I'm doing something now that I do give myself credit for.  Every run I do, every day that I workout, is a step toward the end.  So I'll keep raising money because I want this.  I want to finally finish something I start.

I wrote this blog sitting on my porch, feeling out of sorts.  An email comes in and my little heart goes pitter patter, but it was not to be (there are others in this world as stubborn as I).  It was an email from facebook that I almost did not read.

But I did read it.  It was a post on a page of a group I belong to.  Frank wrote the post, a young man I knew in college.  His son was killed in a tragic accident a couple years back, crossing a street when a car hit him.  The post was a memory Frank had written of his young child, a memory of eating a hot dog and going to the movies.  My heart broke for Frank the day I heard the news of the tragedy and my heart broke again for him today.

Life is too short and this was a solid slap in the face as a reminder of that.  How I've been feeling won't necessarily change, in fact will probably get worse, but how I deal with it can change.  I'm lucky.  I have a wonderful family, who's mostly healthy.  I have friends who step up to the bat for me everyday of the week, including folks like Lauren who have never given up on me, no matter what I do or how I express my feelings.

Do you have a memory of someone, a moment in time that didn't seem all that special to you right then, but that you remember in clarity now?  It doesn't have to be just those that have passed away, but anybody.  I've got a few that I thought of off the bat and want to share them here.

*I remember sitting in an old school, big ass car and having my papa (mom's father) teach me to knit

*I remember being sick as a dog in Berks, so sick I tried to catch a bus going up the hill on the one street going down the hill.  My folks came up to see me, make sure I got better, and my mom and I sat on the couch, me laying against her, both of us reading

*My dad showing up to every single one of my sporting events

*There are a great many memories of Lauren... most that I cannot mention... I kid, I kid!  One of our special places is El Som, where we generally order the same thing, and just catch up.  Or that I'm always late to her house, when I'm never late to anywhere else.

*Christina is another long-termer from back in the day.  She and I have often gotten ready for big events together, the most recent being a Howard thing.  I was worried my butt looked fat and she gave me this look, then said: you forget, these are my people, we loooooooooooooove big butts.  She also lent me an orchid clip, one of those clippies to hold an orchid upright, to put in my hair.  I still have it and still wear it.

*Meghan, whom I rarely speak to anymore, baking me a quiche for my birthday.  It drove her nuts because she couldn't cook with two of her staples, onions and peppers.

*Kerry who cries with me.  What more needs to be said?

*Christine who always gets the weight loss (and gain...) journey and reminds me to take it easy on myself... this has needed to happen on more than one occasion.

*Joe who always reminds me, especially in my time of need like today, that I do my best to live my life with integrity.  I may not always hit the mark, but that I do try.

*Derrick... oh the memories there.  Cracking teeth, driving to Pennsyltucky, him being a hotter woman than I on Halloween... you name it, we have it

*Sena who's always loved me, no matter what fights we've gotten into or how different we are

*Lynn, my donut friend (it's time Lynn...) who always gets me when I'm having boy troubles and is always up late with an ear

*People who won't be named, but the memories exist:
-Trying to learn to drive stick.  I made it to second.  Enough said.
-Friday night Shabbat dinners with granny who didn't speak a lick of English and was of the opinion I speak too fast
-Sitting around the table at TeenLine talking about our life problems and pants being around ankles (I've always been a raunchy soul)
-Hiking through the forest and sharing the first "real" kiss

Have you ever had that experience where you have five billion memories floating around your head and you wish you could just get it down on paper, but they won't sort themselves out?

Regardless, there are many memories and many people I did not mention in this blog and I will spend this week reaching out to them and letting them know that they will always hold a place in my heart. 

I sincerely hope I never have to go through the heartbreak that Frank has, the kind where the world stops and getting it to start again seems a ridiculous proposition.  Because, as it stands for me, life does go on.  I'm going to be me and I'm going to continue to spend my life making me the best version of me that I can.  I'm not always going to hit the mark and I'm going to make mistakes, but...

I'm luck enough to have people who love and care about me, who stand by me through bitch and saint.

(If somebody cracks a joke about that halo being held up by horns... so help me God... oh well, who am I kidding?  You'd be well within your right)

Life does go on and we are meant to live it.  Things happen and all we can do is learn from them and experience them to the max.  Not everything works out and some things do.  All we can do is enjoy the ride.

And tell some raunchy jokes along the way ;).