Trojans

Mom and I were discussing last night the need to get Grandpa a birthday present from USC, seeing as how his birthday is a short three weeks away and he's so proud that I'm going to school at SC.

(Reminder: Mom went to UCLA... this is a big rivalry folks.  And no, mom and I are not rivals.  Reminder: I am, and will forever be, a Golden Bear.  Not a small, dickless one like the poor stepchild to the south.  Just had to remind people.)

(More reminder: USC's mascot or "name" is the Trojan.  So folks who go to school there are the Trojans.)

Mom: The little stuffed animal idea, that says "Somebody from USC Loves Me" is cute.  I mean, unless you can find any Trojan condoms lying around.

Me: Greaaaaaaaaaat idea mom!  I'll get GRANDPA some condoms for this birthday!  I bet he'll know what to do with them!

And you all thought it was my dad who passed down the raunchy gene.  Clearly, I was screwed from the start since I got TWO genes of fun passed down.

I mean, who couldn't love my family?  They're hilarious!  And fun!  Sticks up their asses would never happen - unless of course you dicked with me, in which case... maybe a stick up your ass?  I seriously need to make sure that whatever man is my future is as fun as these people.  Good times abound in my home.

Seriously though.  Best mom EVER.  And one who knows her daughter so well.  No joke!  This may be a "funny" blog, but no joke!  She bribed to keep living where I'm living now.  I kid you not.  What did she bribe me with you ask?

A pole.  Yes, you saw that right.  A "stripping" pole.  Granted, I'll be using mine for fitness (insert laugh track here), but still. 

I CANNOT WAIT FOR IT TO COME!

Now that I've interrupted myself with that bit of necessary information, I'll get back to the point.  And another story.  One of my bestest friends since the dawn of time, ok, maybe not the dawn, texted me to tell me she's going with her boyfriend to check out ring sizes.  Thank God the dirtiness above had yet to ensue, otherwise my dirty little head would have said,

"They make specific sizes for THOSE kinds of rings???"

Bada-bing, bada-bang.