Hair!

And no, not the musical.  My own.

It started last week getting my hair cut.  It went really well!  (Excuse the no make-up... only to share myself with you do I defile myself on a public blog.)

 I'M KIDDING!!!  THAT IS NOT HOW IT ENDED UP!!!

Super cute, right?!















And then mom and I were having a discussion about hair and what I want to do with it - as in go blonder for summer.  We also discussed how she didn't get her hair professionally colored until she was much older than I am now.

So... I decided to experiement.  I mean... it is just hair... I figured I want to go lighter for summer, so I'll highlight my hair.  I did not do blonde, I got a caramel brown highlight kit from Harris Teeter.

Here's a fun one of me... with the highlight cap on and my hair sticking out...

(Excuse the blurriness... it is a camera phone after all... the blackberry doesn't take such hot pictures)

And then I drove to Joe and Derrick's place.  And this is how I went out in public...

And... it...

Turned....

Blonde and...

ORANGE!  I kid you not.

Suffice it to say... the experiment did NOT go too well...

Sad part is, I'd love this pic if my hair were normal.  I look so sneaky... and I'm clearly howling with laughter at myself.

Upshot is, I'm going by my fabulous hairstylist today to notate that no longer will I be trying to save money and what can she do to rescue it for now.  I'll deal with highlights for graduation.

More pictures when it gets rescued.  Whenever that may be...

I hope you all enjoyed the debasement of me, myself, and I.

All Things Poop

Ok, maybe not ALL things.  I mean, this isn't supposed to be a book blog.

I remember when I was a mere youngster, there was a book called Everybody Poops.  A book that didn't make a joke of, or pull any punches, about the natural process of pooping.

First of all, what is poop?  According to urbandictionary.com, it is: Bodily waste of varying color, viscosity, shape, odor and texture. Usually exits the body through your pooper, speed, noise and degree of pain may vary depending on what you ate.  The only disagreement I majorly have is to describe the chute in which poop exits as the pooper as, according to proper grammar, you cannot use the word being defined in the definition.  The technical term for this would be the anus.

Now where is this coming from you might ask?  Well, for those of you who know my sneaky brain, this is an excellent way for me to discuss skid marks without the dire threat delineated in the prior blog being enacted upon me.  And then, of course, the prior discussions of expulsions of air out of the anus, otherwise known as the act of farting.

As we've already discussed the expulsion of air, there isn't much to say about the act itself (I mean, I'm pretty sure I don't need to know if you're a grunter, groaner, plant your feet and push, or whatever else).  So that leaves us with the after effects.  And then, I have some other random things to share that I have learned while doing "research" for this blog.

Skid marks.  There was a poll done (not by me!).  One person said that it's the after effects left on the lid of the toilet.  Another said that it was anything left behind after flushing.  I was a bit confused by these answers as why would they be described as "skid marks"?  Well, I said it was the racing stripe left behind in the underwear.  I was right according to my new best friend: urban dictionary.  UD: an elongated stain in the rear of one's underwear caused by one of the following: 1)rubbing of the underwear on an insufficiently wiped anus after excrementing 2)expelling juicy farts (butt cheese) into the underwear over an extended period.  Granted, this was far more in depth than anything I'd come up with...

Ok, new lessons time.  What is "butt cheese"???  Take a guess please.  Just take a guess.
Butt cheese: The accumulation of feces, toilet paper, lint, and other detritus in the area between the buttocks. With time and mechanical action, assuming the appropriate binding elements are present, butt cheese takes a granular form which is known as dingleberries. Uncontrolled, butt cheese can progress beyond dingleberries to dinglebombs or in the vernacular "butt grapes".  Ok, whoever has the time to come up with this shit (har har) has way too much time on their hands.

And no, you do NOT need to mention how much time I have on my hands.  It's called procrastination.  I'm excellent at such things.

And another one.  "Poopsocking".  Take your guess now.  Just take it.
Poopsocking: Defacating into a sock in order to avoid having to get up from your computer to use the toilet. Often utilized when playing online role playing games.
Do I really need to add commentary on this one???  Please tell me none of you have ever done this, otherwise I'm going to be a bit concerned.  Cause how do you keep playing your game and wipe???  Ok, maybe asking questions is NOT a good idea in this circumstance...

Ok ladies and gents, I believe you've had enough of the stinky world of she-it this evening.  Enjoy your regular dose of fun on the pot.

Thought of the day (courtesy of my father): If you land in shit, turn it into fertilizer and sell it!

I Wish...

I could tell you not one, but TWO funny stories.

But I can't.

Because I have been sworn to secrecy.  I will give you a hint, just to juice up your imagination.  One was about hooters, not the restaurant, but my own and those that go hoot hoot.  And the second was about skid marks.

*GACK*  I may have said too much already!  What's going to happen to me???

I'm going to be kicked out!  This was my dire warning!!!

Kicked out of what exactly?  I don't exactly know... a cult maybe?  Ooooo, wouldn't that be fun?  Me in a cult???  Oh man!  The ass kicking I could do there!  I could be all sneaky and seductive and scary and sanctimonious and, and, and... all those other s-words that may not be appropriate to include on this not so family friendly blog.

Irrespective of the fact that I have no earthly idea of what I'll be kicked out of, I'll heed the warning of those better than me... wait... there is none better than me.  Ok, I'll heed the warning of the lesser peons that I find amusing and entertaining and therefore have some wish to keep around.  I.E. I'm  not telling you the stories.

Well...  not here... if you really want to know... maybe I can dish to you on the DL (that's down low to those of you not up on the acronyms and for those of you who don't know what the down low is... I just can't help you).

Oh oh oh!  I must go!  I'm about to spill it!

NCAA vs. NAACP

Do YOU know the difference between these two organizations?  I had thought this was a fairly simple question. I did not realize it was that easy to mix these two acronyms up... or to not even know what one of them even  means.  If you're over the age of two, I had kind of figured you'd know.

Well, I know a rather bright young man.  He was one of the auditors on Howard University at some point.  (Skinny white boy driving to work everyday in a Benz... anybody else surprised he didn't get shot???  Aaahhh, the un-pc-ness of Mo... Christina or Derrick, you're not allowed to kill me.)

He's reviewing the invoices of HU for auditing purposes and says to a co-worker (who happens to be African-American) something to the effect of,

"In doing the NAACP audit of the basketball team, we need to..."

The co-workers response?

"You don't know much about sports do you?"

Let me clarify in case you happen to be in this poor young man's court... or in this case... the stands.

NAACP stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored people.  Now, a traditionally African-American college is what HU is, therefore, the NAACP is not a difficult conclusion to come to.  Except it has nothing to do with a federally-funded school or its sports.

What this poor man was going for was the NCAA.

The NCAA is the National Collegiate Athletic Association.  Let's connect the dots.  College+Basketball=Part of the NCAA... not the NAACP.

The acronyms are a little funny and awfully similar, don't get me wrong.

But... did anybody watch sports or take history???

I'll stop now before he keeps reading and then smacks the crap out of me for sharing such a private embarrassment about him.

But I simply couldn't not share this with you.  The laughter I gleaned from this was thrilling...