Surprise, Surprise

Well, ladies and gents... my return to the blogging world is with much fanfare.  How much fanfare you ask?

So much fanfare, I got a ticket out of it.

That's right.  Start laughing now.  It has finally happened on the eastside.  I got a speeding ticket.  Ok, wow, y'all did not need to laugh that hard at my $156 spanking.  Geez!

Deets:
1. VA is a bumf*ck state, it has a 55 mph limit on highways.  Who in the flaming hell does that???
2. I was going 74, as hey now, it's a Sunday.  I didn't think cops worked on Sundays
3.  I generally go even faster...
4. I was 1 (count that, one) mph from getting nailed for reckless, thank God for being from California, looking good today and having a great rack

My last speeding ticket was 65 in a 35... in California... the July before I left.  So almost exactly two years later.  That speeding ticket?  Got tossed out, the cop remembered me after the fact... he was only my DARE officer for two years...  Did I mention... 65 in a 35?  I.e. 30 mph over?  In town?  Not on highway?  I.e. much more reckless?

Well this uptight VA rat was definitely not my DARE officer.  But I'll still be showing up in court.  With my great rack, nicely packaged in an excellent suit.  We'll see just how much of that $156 spanking I'll actually have to owe up on.

So what have I learned from this?  If my mother and father, read, father, is reading this, I learned that I shouldn't speed.

What did I really learn?  That cops work Sundays and to not drive or live or work in Virginia.  Actually, to never go to Virginia again unless I'm sleeping through it in the passenger seat.

We All Make Mistakes Sometimes

Even the fabulous, illustrious fabulousness that is me.

A friend of mine showed me a picture.  It was all folded up so I had to unfold it and it ended up vertical.

I was thoroughly amused by this, thinking wow, somebody can really gas it up if they lift themselves off a chair or seated position.

Yyyaaahhh, apparently this little sign was not meant to be vertical, but rather, horizontal.

AAAAHHHH!!!!  I SEE IT NOW!  Dead serious, had NO idea that this was the way it was to go.  But bending over does seem a whole lot easier than trying to lift yourself off a chair...

I then find out this little, teensy, tiny mistake was mentioned to someone else, who expressed surprise as I apparently have toilet humor... meant in the nicest way possible of course.

Me?  Toilet humor?  NEVER.

And a lovely bombshell to end out this blog...

Did you know that the ancient Romans used pigeon poop to bleach their hair?

(Folks, please don't try this at home.  If you do, let me know, so I don't come visit you)

Up in the Grill with a Dash of Snarky

Story one made me cry laughing today.  It's probably not as funny to you, because, hey now, you weren't lucky enough to be there.  But I shall try.  Story two is a small reminder of the lovely snarky tongue that I possess.

*Story One*
I was hanging with one of my best gal pals who was telling me alllll about a workout experience she had the other night.  She had bought a pair of workout pants that are generally going to be a mite bit small on her, but , woohoo, they fit!  So she wears them to this dance class, thinking, they make my legs look hot and it'll inspire me to work even harder!  Only to have her pants "get up in (her) grill the entire time."  In layman's terms, her pants rode up her butt and into her crotch the entire night.  Let me tell you folks, that is seriously every kind of uncomfortable.  Stick a branch up your nose, hair in a blender, suppository up your ass, any of that is more comfortable than a tight ass pair of pants up your grill when working out.  Suffice it to say, I died laughing at her. I died laughing even harder when she told me I was the first person she thought of to tell.  Which of course means that I'm sharing with all of you.

*Story Two*
I hear about a young man who is about to get himself into serious trouble with his current girlfriend, courtesy of my current lovebug.  In the process, I hear about one of his more... shall we say... annoying to me exes.  Yah, I know what all you ladies are thinking, who the fuck wants to hear about one of the more annoying exes?  So I responded the only way I know how.  With my beloved snarky tongue.
"That you fell for her in the first place confirms my answer that you're all flaming fucking idiots who can't see past an easy lay and a happy dick."
Ladies and gentlemen, I always win.  Even when I'm wrong (which I most certainly was not tonight), I win.

My ego and vanity are legion.  My smartass, beautiful tongue is priceless.

You want a shot at me?  Get in line.

On that note, dinner is calling my name.

Run for Your Life!

I was talking to the first guy I ever met while doing the actual online dating thing.  We NEVER dated, became fast friends and still are.  For those of you who don't know Mikey, let me remind you of exactly who he is.  One afternoon he was over at the house, chatting with myself and my mom, while I was looking something up on the computer - I being me had a background of me on it.  Mikey cracks a joke about me just wanting to look at my girls, with mom responding... On that note, don't you think my daughter needs a breast reduction?  I've never seen that boy speechless.

So!  We were chatting last night as he was curious how to tell if you have an allergic reaction (apparently I look like a doctor now???) and he asked about graduation... finding out the boy met the family and two of the besties.  There may or may not be a pic on facebook where I noted that the boy looks like he has a pornstache.

Mikey: Did the pornstached boytoy run away screaming?

Me: Nooooooo.  He stayed.

Mikey: Why?  Did you have a leash on him?  Or just a gps tracker?  Maybe a self-destruct bomb in his skull if he runs?

Me: Well, somebody's inventive!

And there you have it ladies and gents, nobody can stay with me unless I have them under lock and key.

Actually... this really isn't a bad idea...

MAPTON Feminine Care Products

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!  Actually, I'm not.  I'm procrastinating like a badass and just HAD to share about a lil conversation that had Christine and I IN TEARS.  We're still laughing ten minutes later.  It's probably one of those situations where it's only funny when you're there, but I'm telling you about it anyways!

For my final paper, I'm creating an advertisement.  I've decided to make it an advertisement for tampons due to a variety of reasons, not the least of which, it's funny.

I scrambled the letters "t-a-m-p-o-n" to create MAPTON.  So, my pseudo company name is MAPTON Feminine Care Products.  Now... I need a slogan.

But first, what is my advertisement going to portray?  Well, since the paper is on groups that get less than a fair shake in ads (read, anything other than skinny and white), I first decided I need a body in a wheelchair.  Since most people assume that a body in a wheelchair must mean an ad about the special olympics, it was time to show that same body in a different circumstance.

So circumstance one is a few girls playing basketball or something with the slogan reading...
"MAP your way to healthy living without a TON of blood"
But... I don't know about y'all... that's kinda gross.

Then I thought, well, nobody expects a person in a wheelchair at the clubs, so what about that???
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... is not going to happen if you're not prepared with MAPTON Feminine Care Products."
Well... first of all, copywrite issues.  Second of all, just nowhere near as funny.  Even if it's not as gross.

So... circumstance three it is.  A wedding!  With inspiration from an episode of Say Yes to the Dress, who showed an episode of a gal in a wheelchair with a specially designed dress for her wheels.  No, there was no mention of blood.
"Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue...  Not red.  Use MAPTON Feminine Care Products to save your special day"

And third time is a charm!!!  Circumstance three is being used.  I.e. slogan #3 was behind the curtain.

Now, let's just hope my professor finds that as hilarious as we do...

Anybody else have any other brilliant ideas???

Love...

I bet you think this is going to be a sappy blog, estolling the virtues of an amazing boyfriend...

My first thought is, what virtues???  I kid!  I kid!

No, seriously.  The remainder of this blog will be about a web page that was forwarded to me that I, of course, just had to share.

(If things of the female nature scare or embarrass you, I'd just stopping your reading now...)

What is this web page that I just HAD to write about?

Love Your Vagina.

I kid you not.  Love Your Vagina.  Go check it out.  You can read about a mooncup and using this contraption to care for your... wait a minute.  What do YOU call it?  Well, have no fear.  If you have yet to figure out what name works for you, check out this link.  You call yours WHAT?!  If there is one page you go visit as a result of this blog, let it be that one.  Be prepared to be shocked, amused and otherwise horrified.

I'd list out a few of my faves, but that would take a while.  Too many of them are just tooooo funny!  Love love love it!

So ladies (and gentlemen... and more ladies if that's your preference...), go love on that nifty powerful little being that runs the world... or is the root of all evil... whatever your preference...

Opposites Attract?!

I've never been a particularly firm believer in this concept of opposites attract.  I'm fairly in line with, there are some similarities and some differences.  I look to my parents as a fairly solid example of mostly opposites attracting though, which makes it even odder that I'm not a particularly firm believer.

My dad's pretty easy-going about... well... everything.  Mom's very high stress and go, go, goes!  (Remind you of anyone???  Not me...)  Dad's republican, mom's dem.  They practice different types of law (but hey now!  Both lawyers!) and really not interested in the same types of movies and the like.  Dad loves sushi and Chinese food, mom can't stand the former and puts up with the latter.  Mom likes to be social when she can, dad just doesn't care (unless mom makes him care of course! ;))  The list goes on.

Similarities include: a love of football, generally the same likes in music, both practice law as independent contractors and both like to have a few drinks out at dinner to relax.  Just to name a short few.

I always figured I'd date on my next round a geeky guy who likes to read and has a degree in some type of humanities.  Someone who every so often likes to go out and do things and so on and so forth.  No, no, this is not the vision of the perfect man or any of that, just what I figured was coming next.

Well, this morning reiterated that that particular vision was WRONG.

I'm dating an auditor.  Please, tell me every stick up the ass joke you can find, because I looooooooooooove hearing those.  And then sharing them.  And how they sound awfully familiar... P.s. one of our similarities is that we're both jerks, so don't get the idea in your head that he's dumping me over this, if anything, I've made him wet his pants in glee.

He's helping his family out with their taxes.

Direct quote, "I'm rocking out donations."

As I sit here reading two books for my thesis, Unbearable Weight and Freakery, one about bodies and the other about disabilities.

Does anybody else see the slight differences we have going on here?  Rocking out NUMBERS???  GROSS!!!


But hey now, to each their own.  Who am I to say that numbers are gross?  Ok, I'm totally the girl to say numbers are gross, so I'm just going to leave him to rocking out the digits while I go do something normal.