Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of my loyal (if not very many) readers!

No funny stories yet... I'm working on that for you... I do have a few from the last few days that I do need to update you on.  I'll make myself some reminders.

Until then, here's a Christmas picture of me to please all of you... since I know you so need to see me and often...

Giving Back

Disclaimer: This is NOT a funny blog.  I rarely do something other than funny on this blog, but every so often, I feel the need to share something serious.  As my readership is different on this blog from my others, I figured I would post this up here as well.

This morning I was packing and whatnot (yes, at the last minute), cleaning my place up (it's mostly clean... there's walking room...), and thinking about my health/weight loss this year.  We're coming up on the end of 2011 and I've made some healthy changes, yes, but overall, I'm still just not hitting the mark.  There have been some massive changes this year.  I'm finally done with school, I've been in and out of work, I broke up with a man I had thought I might marry, I took a few blows to the ego and self-confidence somewhere in there, and I made new friends and created stronger friendships with the ones I have.

One thing I haven't done this year is volunteer.  I have spent the bulk of my life volunteering for a multitude of reasons.  I let the fact that I had essentially two full time jobs stop me from giving back.  I'm doing my best to realize I'm human and can't do it all, so therefore not to be disappointed in myself.  It's only semi working :P.

This being said, while thinking about all of this, I was cleaning up my kitchen and putting away cans of soup (P.s. I seriously need to clean out the cupboards).  And then I had this really cool idea - well I think it's cool anyways.  It's based on the idea of giving back and I'm jumping off of a WeightWatchers campaign (for a period of a week or two every year, they have a drive where members are encouraged to donate the amount of food per pound loss - or just donate period!).

I'm going to weigh myself on January 1, 2012.  I'm going to weigh myself again on December 20, 2012.  Clearly, there will be weighing in between those two dates, but for the purposes of this idea - these are the two dates that matter.  For every pound lost, whether it's five or 50, I am going to donate that amount of food to a homeless shelter in the area.  This is, of course, assuming I, myself, am not homeless at that point in time.  This is not a point in saying I have a goal of how much weight I have to lose, because that's not what matters here.  The two numbers.  Right there in black and white.

This is not to say I can't do other forms of volunteering throughout the year or donations of some sort.  This is simply to say that we often forget where we "start" and connecting giving back and losing could be a fun way to mark that journey.  We all know it's hard to lose pounds - we wouldn't be here if it wasn't.  But for as hard as it is for us, there are a lot of people who have it harder or worse of than we do (and this is coming from the girl who sometimes doesn't know where the money to buy food is going to come from).

So, feel free to join me.  You can either do it yourself, or email me (mytrainermorgan@gmail.com) and I'll keep your weight in my special file and check in on you on December 20th of next year, reminding you where you "started", as in started the year.  Maybe you don't have a lot of weight to lose or you're in maintenance.  If you still want to join in, email me your literal starting weight and your "ending" weight.  Whatever amount of weight loss you maintain, donate that! 

Feel free to jump on in this with me.  I've already set a calendar date for December 20, 2012 to weigh in and calculate :).

Oh Mo

There are times when I really do have just the most epic life ever.  I don't even know where to begin.  I remember that there have been many stories this week I've wanted to share, gotten to lazy to type, and now I don't remember them.  See?!  This is why this blog comes in handy.  It gives me the opportunity to revel in my own wacky ass life.

I will say this.  I have some amazing friends.  I have had more to drink this month than I have this year.  We are talking hellooooo drunky skunky Morgan.  Ok, no, it hasn't been THAT bad.  Just frequent.  So the other night I went out with Sara, a fabulous friend of mine from spark and my fellow single girl food blogger.  That's right, I officially have another blog.  Ok, moving on.  So I left her with my stuff, read my two phones, and went to the bathroom.  I come back to find her with sheepish face.  I asked her what's up, she giggled and said, "I emailed M."  Wait, what?!  So I read the email, she noted it was from her, so from there I was fine.  I mean really, I can't not love a friend who wants to stick up for me.  She may or may not have noted how entirely fabulous I am and what a dipshit he is for not realizing that.  Then again, I've been saying that about a lot of men lately.

Why?  Because I yanked my head out of my ass, grew my spine (and self-confidence) back, and realized that I never meant anything to him, so what am I waiting for?  Life is meant to be LIVED.  Which means, in these terms, it's time to be dating.  I know, I know.  It's been a long while yet since the fated break-up.  But see, (1) I didn't want to be THAT asshole who uses everybody and their mothers as a rebound (read: I didn't want to become a slut like SOME people) and (2) School and teaching combined made for a hell schedule and it just wasn't fair to myself or someone else to try to beautify and look pretty and put on the happy go lucky show we all know I'm so good at.

Well, this does mean for some really interesting times.  I was speaking to a young man on the computer (he's 25, not 19, so no, I'm not being a cradle robber), and I said something about my computer being wacked out and how I own all these toys and can't really seem to use them very well.

His response?  You won't need your toys when I'm around.

Ok, yeah.  I have a raunchy sense of humor too, but REALLY?!  Can't you wait until even halfway through the first date (if there was ever going to be one), before starting that?!  Mother of...   And people wonder why I pretty much refuse to talk to men in their 20's anymore?  I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER HERE PEOPLE!  I just lost two years of my life to somebody who was playing games with me and never had any intention of a future with me (when did I become the sap who would fall for somebody like that?!), I don't need sex jokes right now.  Although, I'm pretty sure some of my guys friends would be saying I need to get rid of some of this frustration...

Oh man.  I'll try to do a better job of keeping you guys updated on the fun parts of my life.  Especially as the dating ramps up... or fizzles out...

The Girls

I have FANTASTIC news.

I have been scared spitless I was going to have to have a chit chat with my gyno come my appointment in December.  My lower back has been hurting far more than it should.  Which would generally mean either (1) I get yelled at for being too fat or (2) I've got to get some of tits hacked off.

But today!  I spoke to what is now my all-time favorite person.  I have a posture imbalance, that with mucho hard work can be fixed.  So my lower back is probably massively hurting because I'm not standing/working out correctly. 

Which means my girls are safe!!!  Well, at least for the moment.  I make no promises for the future.  But for the moment.

My girls are safe!  Halle-freaking-luia!

Well, this was good news to me... if not to you...

Folger's

There's a Folger's Coffee commercial out right now.  The doorbell rings, young girl opens the door, and it's her brother.  They go to the kitchen and he sniffs the coffee bit like a crack whore.  He gets his cup o' joe and hands his sister a present, saying "I got you a present", all while sniffing at his coffee and drinking it like an alchie coming off a five day bender.  The sister stick the bow on his shirt, he looks confused, and she says, "You're my present."

So what happens when I see this commercial last night?  For the first time in its entirety? 

I cried.  No joke.  Cried.

Then couldn't sleep because I couldn't get that stupid ass jingle out of my head.

"The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup!"

Birthday Laughs

We'll get to the giving thanks part in a few minutes, I'd prefer to talk about me first.  Because, clearly, I give an awesome amount of thanks for myself.

Last night, one of mom's and my cousins came into town.  To protect her identity, I shall call her Coco and call her husband P-Diddy.  Well, Coco is an animal fiend and has bunches upon bunches of animals, including horses and goats.

We have heard numerous stories over the years of the horses needing to be... milked... shall we say?  I.e. The jizz needs to come out in a bottle to stick into a mare (cause things are just not done the old fashioned way anymore...).  Last night there was a new variation to the story.

Coco mentioned they have recently acquired a goal.  A male goat.  Apparently the male goat is a horny little goat.  Mom happened to ask why Coco and P-Diddy don't get a female goat to make the male goat happy.  Apparently breeding goats is not a good time, so no having fun for the male goat.  So what does the male goat do?  Hump himself.  And then get a little dirty as a result.

P-Diddy may or may not have said one day... "Should we give him a bath?"  I died.  Especially since my beloved mother followed up with, "I just have to ask, is a goat's ballsac bigger proportionally than other animals?"  See?  I'm not JUST a product of dear old pops.

Then I went to dinner with some friends.  For whatever reason, they started talking about penis pumps.  I missed pretty much the entirety of the conversation and managed to clue in when they said penis pump.  I was then told I only hear what I want to hear.  I've heard this before...

I've been single for a good long while now.  It is of my friends opinion that it is high time I went back to my old ways.  My folks read this blog.  We won't discuss those ways...  But whoo to 20 pounds down from when the ex saw me last.  Too fat for you?  Suck it.  Boo-ya.

Ok, ok, ok.  I guess I'll be a good girl and end this on a sappy note of thanks.  Clearly, I give mucho thanks for my family.  They provide not only tons of laughs (which are spread far and wide by virtue of this blog), but tons of support.  A gal can't ask for much better than my folks.  I was allowed to fledge and leave home and as a result, I'm always happy to come home.  It's not an obligation, but a pleasure.  Moving on.  I clearly have a great many friends that I'd need about an hour to talk about and breakfast is in three minutes.  So I'll pop on at some point and give my massive amount of thanks to my brilliant, beautiful, and frankly, weird, friends.  I'm pretty sure they know they're weird.  Either that, or I'm just so weird that I rub off on them.  Lastly, I'm thankful to all of those who may no longer be in my life for whatever reason, but taught me life lessons that I can't and won't forget.  Lessons I needed to learn and lessons that have made me a better person.

So people.  Go gorge, go do something active for yourself, and give thanks for the joy that is your life.

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today.  Have you used one to say ‘thank you’?  ~ William A. Ward

Hard to Soft

I'm home.  I'm home with no bed because the guest room bed is going to be used to mom's cousin and I no longer have a room because my bedroom got turned into the everything else room.  So my fantabulous rents got me a blow up bed.

*Insert blow up jokes here* - Such as, can I have a blow up man too?

This morning dad asked me how it was, or if it was too hard.

I responded, "Well yeah, cause the hard goes soft."

Dad just looks up at me from his newspaper and says, absolutely deadpanned, "Yeeaahhaaa, that's how it works!"

So for those of you who wonder where I get my raunchiness from... re-read that conversation and then your question will be brilliantly answered.

And now onto a picture I feel I need to share with the coming of the end of my program...